


Late Night CrackHeads

by KeenKarulo



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-10-27 15:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20762690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeenKarulo/pseuds/KeenKarulo
Summary: The late night chats between Lister and Arnold.





	1. Sweaty Salutations

"1....2....3....4....5....6....7....8-"  
"Oh Smegging Hell!" said Lister turning on the small table lamp from inside his bunk, "why are you doin' this Rimmer- why are you always such an annoying git!"  
"Exercise helps your memory, Listy," he says while doing jumping jacks.  
For both of them, Living together was already absolute hell and it was only the 2nd week - imagine them cramped up like this in deep space without anyone else: it doesn't matter though, that'll never happen.  
Now **Lister** had turned onto his side and was watching Rimmer exasperatedly.  
"You know what the worst thing is, you try soo hard to tick everyone off- like literally- here you are prancing around at bloody who knows when in your knickers doing jumping jacks and counting louder then vuvuzela,"  
"It not my fault I care about my figure," replied the pursed lipped bastard: eyeing up Lister's now beige tinted long john and indecipherable t-shirt. "Anyways I'm nearly done, and after this, I need to make flashcards,"  
"The test is to-smegging-morrow!"


	2. A hot day

Unlike how it should be in deep space, today was a very hot day on the JMC'S Red Dwarf and it was deeply affecting Second Technician Arnold Rimmer. Not because of the heat (as he was used to warm climates from the many times his siblings had stuck his head in the oven) but because of the mind-numbing ramblings of David Lister.

Right now, He was drowning out the noise by sitting under the shower head - but because of the shape of his head, the water simply rolled down the back of his head so he could sadly still hear.

  
"I just can't believe that the kitchen crew, who may I point out a higher ranking than most the of the staff we know, set the cooling system on fire - the bloody cooling system!" proclaimed the slimy git in his only pair of boxers, "How do they even have access to the cooling system?"  
"Lister... I beg you to shut your gob," said Arnold walking up to Lister languidly.

  
"Or what?" questioned Dave sardonically, "Will you get Inflatable Ingrid to kill meh?"  
With that, Rimmer sighed exaggeratedly and put his head in his hands because what else could he really do.


	3. I hate A03

Guess who just wrote a bunch but then refreshed the page.  
The 183k should go to autosaving.


	4. The names Listy, Dave Listy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rewrite of the fanfic mentioned before.

Normally, if you ever heard someone talk in their sleep, you would ignore them (or if you lived in Manchester draw a dick on their forehead). But living with a arrogant snob you hated in deep space wasn't normal. Right now, it was around 2 am on a Tuesday (or was it a Wednesday) and the speaker was Arnold Judas Rimmer, the pompous faced prick on the bottom (bunk) and the listener was one sleep deprived David Lister.

"I must have passed Todhunter, really I must have!" mumbled the smeg head while tossing and turning. For context, Todhunter was the board shouldered man (well known as the know it all of the crew (which was something he knew))and he was assigned in the education department of Red Dwarf which was a good thing as the education department did smeg-all. So basically, he got to wank about all day. 

"Please Frank Please! I will do anything to pass this smegging test - anything!" Surprisingly, Lister was now paying full attention to him: Dave's dreads hanging towards the floor as he looked down at Rimsy. The warm light that radiated from Dave's bunk let him see Arnold's shit coloured curls and wet pink lips perfectly. What the fuck was he going on about? Lister knew Arnie sometimes talked in his sleep but it was normally just complaints.

But then, Rimmers expression suddenly changed, his jaw became stiff and he looked docile (whatever the fuck that means), to example, it was kinda like how he would look if he was being scolded as a child. "What do you mean?" he whispered anxiously, "You promise that if I do that I'll become 2nd Technician," Rimmer laid there as if he was waiting for an answer but Lister couldn't heard it. Why would he be able to; its not like he was there when Arnie got his results. Sometimes, Lister thought, people are really stupid.

Suddenly the young man shuddered and sunk deeper into his mattress.

"Okay, tomorrow at 2200 hours," he muttered and finally shut his mouth. What was he going on about? Dave would have to investigate. Stumbling, David quietly climbed off his messy bunk and crouched near the lower bunk. He slowly reached under Arnold's pillow and pulled out a small leather bound diary. It was worn out and dense with curved and torn pages: inside, the pages were filled with tatty cursive writing about his dull mundane life. Eagerly, Lister flicked towards the most recent entry. He dramatically and unrealistically gasped.HUH! For context this is what was written:

_ To my diary, _  
_ Today, I was waiting in the line to receive my test answers and in front of me stood Kristine Kochanski with a clipboard calling in the names. When the bitchy cow finally called me in I was greeted by the intimidating Frank. Why does he always created a horrible feeling inside me? You know what, Ill file a complaint to the Captain later. The meeting was an absolute disaster, the marking department must have marked my test wrong! I didn't pass! But, Frank compromised and said that if I helped him with something special tomorrow I would be promoted. I hope it wont cut into my revision for the astronav's. 8/3/10_ Lister knew exactly what to do. He grabbed a sharpie and smirked.


	5. The names Listy, Dave Listy (Part 2 )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit

It was finally morning. The usual hubbub of Red Dwarf sent shivers down Lister's spine. How lazy must he be to be scared of productivity!  
"Why the hell did you do this to me?" proclaimed the goit as he rubbed his forehead vigorously. The pyjama-clad man stood in front of the mirror undoubtedly irritated.  
"I have something on my agenda today, so I need to look presentable!" he carried on but Dave had already tuned him out. He climbed into his curry stained jumpsuit and walked out as slobbish as ever. He was going to visit a very close friend and also someone he needed to gain valuable knowledge from - Bent Bob. So to prepare, he was meticulously planning speaking points on the short walk there. As a fellow technician, he felt a justified sense of kinship with a man he never more than acknowledged - a connection apparently to the level of unsolicited home visits. But by the time he arrived in front of those thick grey sliding doors, he only had one: Rimmer.

Well fuck it he thought and marched straight in.

"Hey Bobby, It's me," said David with faux confidence and a cheery smile as he walked towards the other man. Bob looked up at Listy uncomfortably.  
"Oh hello Dave," he said awkwardly, "You must be in the wrong room, Kochanski's office is just down the hall,"  
"I'm actually here to see you, Bob," replied the man while sitting down on the bottom bunk, "I need to ask you about Rimmer,"

Suddenly, a smirk appeared on the older man's face.  
"I can tell you a bit about him." "Well the night started pretty normally," said Bob idly, trying to remember the first time he ever saw Rimmer at the Rainbow, "Like Usual I was at the club on a Sunday doing usual things like talking, drinking dancing y 'know - the usual- and then I see him walk-in,"  
Lister noticed the way Bob suddenly sounded confident - as if he was bragging.

  
"The only reason I remember it was because of what he was wearing," he paused chuckling, " 'cause it was really cute let me tell you. His hair was coiffed but still a bit messy and he wore this beige stripy sweater with a button-up under it that brought out the glow of his skin. But, the main thing was the fact he was smiling and you out of all people must know he isn't very joyful. Anyways,..."

  
Lister knew Bob was farfetched but did he genuinely think he would fall for that? Why the fuck would Rimmer be happy? This must be some sad joke. Unfortunately, soon after he started thinking, the sound of a rattling skutter drew Listy back to reality. The elderly mechanoid was holding scribbled on post-it akin to a young British schoolboy passing notes. On it was written (as far as David could assume) a message that told the other man to move to another area of the ship with urgency. However, before he left he said one thing.  
"If you want to know what it was like, ill gladly let you my memory of it. My mum gave me one of those nifty pensieves for Christmas with surround sound!"


End file.
